Case Example: Eileen
Eileen is a 30 year old married social worker who experienced a disturbing medical emergency while visiting her in-laws in St. Louis one Christmas. Fortunately Eileen is OK now. Here's the story...
Because Eileen's parents live in San Diego and her husband's parents live in St. Louis, each Christmas she and her husband alternate whose parents they visit. Two years prior to her traumatic medical emergency, while on a Christmas visit to her in-laws in St. Louis, Eileen -- while passing by one of the upstairs bedrooms -- inadvertently overheard her mother-in-law talking to Eileen's husband's sister.
Mother: I still don't understand why he married her. She's such a nothing.
Sister: Oh, mother, stop it.
Mother: No, really! A complete nothing. She will never be good enough for him. I hope to God they don't have kids, because I sure don't want to be a grandmother to her offspring.
Naturally, this didn't sit too well with Eileen, but she had only been married a year and didn't want to make any waves. Also, she thought her husband was emotionally close to his mother and didn't want to risk creating emotional distance between herself and him.
Thankfully for Eileen, the ensuing two years were uneventful on the in-laws front. However, back in St. Louis two Christmases later, Eileen needed to go to a local hospital ER for sudden and unexpected bleeding from her lower gastrointestinal tract. Fortunately, the doctor on duty was able to stop the bleeding, and Eileen left the hospital for home in California a few days later.
Back home, Eileen visited her doctor who sent her to a specialist for a complete medical work-up and diagnosis. No cancer or other serious disease condition was found, although the doctor suggested the possibility of inflammatory bowel disease, perhaps a flare up of ulcerative colitis. Eileen was put on special foods and monitored over the next few weeks as she made a full recovery.
In a follow-up visit, Eileen's regular doctor asked, "Do you want this business to happen again?"
Of course Eileen said she didn't.
"Then let's see what's really be going on here," she said. "I'd like you to talk to a psychological counselor I work with. There's a good chance that may help."
Eileen agreed to see the counselor, and after only a few visits, here's what she discovered:
Because of what her mother-in-law said about her, Eileen had been very nervous for months prior to spending Christmas with her in-laws. She dreaded spending a week with someone she had grown to dislike intensely, and she could not think of any way to get out of it. The anxiety and tension in Eileen's mind, and the suppression of her hostile feelings, could possibly have inflamed the tissue of her lower gastrointestinal tract, which resulting in the bleeding. She and her counselor agreed that Eileen had to find a way to reduce this tension and hostility or the bleeding flare up might recur.
In counseling, Eileen realized that she really didn't care about the relationship with her mother-in-law; the real problem was her fear that this situation would harm her marriage. Her counselor pointed out that Eileen's parents' unstable marriage had probably made her super-cautious and over-protective about her own marriage.
Eileen was still undecided about what to do, when her husband, who was very concerned about Eileen's health, asked if the counseling was helping. "I love you a lot, you know," he said. "I want us to do whatever it takes to be sure you're well. We've got a bunch of years -- and kids -- ahead of us."
He said "whatever it takes," thought Eileen, so she decided to take the risk and tell him the entire story.
"My mother said that! She's crazy! Look," he said, "I married you, not her. If she wants to be crazy, that's her business. If she doesn't want to see her own grandkids, that's her loss. If you don't want to go to St. Louis ever again, that'll be fine."
As it turned out, because she felt so supported by her husband, Eileen said she'd be able to visit St. Louis at Christmas if that's what he wanted to do.
And they did visit one more time. And then they had their first child.
Resource: Inflammatory bowel disease and anxiety: links, risks, and challenges faced
